So, I’ve just got back from a very long walk home (2 hours in heels) from Matthew’s. We went out for dinner with his parents last night, which is always pleasant, and after that we hung around for a while, watching TV and talking about things. The conversation turned to our relationship (or current lack of one). I had always maintained that the relationship ended when he phoned me to tell me he had slept with ‘a few’ other people, and despite all the tears and histrionics on his part, I stand by that. We are friends. Matthew on the other hand kept going on about how he wanted more, how he still loved me…Well, I still love him too, I’ve spent 3 years of my life (which at this age is a significant percentage) with him, but now it’s more like brotherly love now. I stopped loving him like I did when we first met shortly after his indiscretion with one of our mutual friends. The year since then has been maintained apathy on my part, and good acting on his.
Anyway, I was tired and went up to bed, and had been laying there only 15 minutes when there was a ring on the doorbell. This would be fairly normal, but it was 2 in the morning. A girl came in. I went downstairs to get my glass of water, not thinking anything sinister was going on, and said “Hello” to her, smiled…And when I left the room she and Matthew started making out on the sofa for a while. Fair enough. I mean, we’re not together any more, it was just a little bit weird. A while later I went downstairs to get some more water then came back up. Just before I reached my door, however, a naked Matthew and Girl wearing only her knickers, came up the stairs and went into Matthew’s bedroom. Again, this is okay, but I wasn’t best pleased given Matthew’s frequent “I love you”s no more than half an hour ago. So I knocked on the door. I left them get some clothes on and when Matthew answered I simply said “It’s okay, you two can use the double bed if you want, I’m okay to sleep in here.”. Matt stepped out and said “Can I have a word?”.
We stood in the spare bedroom. I smiled and felt like I had a script almost, I was so calm and collected for this speech.
“This is how it’s going to work Matthew. I am going to pick up my clothes and go to the room next to yours. You and Natasha can come in here. I’m going to get dressed, I’m going to go downstairs, have some breakfast and a cup of tea and get the first train home. And that’s it. We will never see each other ever again, you will not try to contact me every again. Good bye Matthew.”
He tried to hug me, but I shrugged him off. Like I said I would, I got dressed. I popped my head into his/girl’s room and said to girl (again, happy and smiley me) “The double bed’s free now.”. For some reason she looked really rather flustered…
I went downstairs, to find Matthew, beer can in hand, stumbling about the kitchen, crying and being generally really drunk. He looked at me and started to say something but I cut him off.
“Goodbye Matthew. Good luck.”
I walked out the house and walked home.
The thing is, this is an absolutely honest account of how things happened. I was so scarily calm and cheerful. But this wasn’t because I’m all grown up and mature, it’s because I felt absolutely nothing. It’s because standing there, hearing the boy you loved for three years whisper the same sweet nothings to another girl as they stripped off in the bedroom that we’d spent so much time talking and cuddling in, I realised that I don’t love him any more. And that he is such a different person to when I first met him that even if this hadn’t have happened, I could never keep loving him.
It was standing there that I remembered every time one of his/my friends told me about one of Matt’s latest indiscretions before Matthew had the decency to.
It was standing there that I could, after a week of wondering, put a face (and arse…black knickers, always a good choice) to the name Natasha Winter.
And it was standing there that I smiled, and felt so happy and warm because I can finally immerse myself fully in my new relationship in Japan, and that finally I have closure on a three year chapter or my life.
As I walked out of his house I couldn’t help but giggle. It’s strange, because I should be angry and hurt and jealous or whatever, but actually, this is the best Christmas present there could be. I still like Matthew an incredible amount as a friend, and I am very happy that finally he has someone in this country that he can hopefully love as much as he once loved me, and I hope that she can love him too. And whilst I have had someone in Japan for a while now, I finally feel like any emotional baggage that might have impeded us has now been lifted and shipped elsewhere.
So, Matthew, Merry Christmas, and I wish you every success with the New Year and your new girlfriend. And for me, in the New Year, I can return to Japan not only chubbier and merrier thanks to Christmas, but I can go back fresh and new and really make a go of things out there.